The Truth About Diamonds

In non-professional, teenage encounters of the sort pictured in movies, retribution is pretty tame.

REMIX Magazine: Nicole Richie

Growing pains were never easy on me. The beginning of the second millennium must have been hysterical for all the syphilitic 12-year-old boys that accused me of kissing my best friend who, back then, was still a boy. I contacted him recently, after years of mutual silence (the result of a torn friendship precipitated by a rumor, that in its already awkward state was amplified by pubescence, adolescence and finally adulthood) and discovered that the giant elephant in our friendship – his transvestitism – fueled teen rumors. He now works at the local stripper joint in my hometown, cashing 10 dollars an hour (plus tips). Not enough for gender reassignment surgery, or anything in particular, really. More importantly, the person behind the rumors, who is also son to the town’s mayor, now lives with a speckled reputation concerning his nauseating fascination with animals, propelled by an eerily prophetic lie, spun by yours truly.

For my part, I can assertively say that I benefited greatly from the situation. I am now 18 years old: outspoken, critical, and ridiculous. I have no clue as to how interpersonal relationships work, betrayal and lies come naturally, I’m an addict to anything besides narcotics, I rebel from the norm just for the sake of non-conforming, watching people eat freaks me out, and I don’t know what I want in life. The list is endless. I don’t want to say I peaked in grade school, but the born achiever in me nods furtively. In retrospect, it was a collection of setbacks, both self-induced and caused by others, that feeds the fire burning up my over privileged life.

On the bright side, I haven’t hit rock bottom… yet. When I do, I will come out the other end, spectacularly into my own, achieving and succeeding.

I leave you all with this:
  1. People are more stupid than you think. 
  2. Even as [censored] up as I am, I am still, in so many ways, better than all of you.
  3. The truth about diamonds? They start off rough and unpolished, unbeknown to the viewer to be diamonds at all…

Currently listening to "Hackensack" by Fountains of Wayne

Howling our pants off (Barking Mad)

The nation's howling their pants off (in haughty derision).

Jac5 underwear will cure its wearer of obstipation and hemmorhoids. **See terms and conditions.

Just… no.

With every nation’s stocks plummeting down Satan’s pit of fiery greed, why would we need a new brand of luxury underwear? From Calvin Klein to Armani, Abercrombie & (B)itch to Ralph Lauren, and Victoria’s Secret back to … Calvin Klein, consumers don’t need to delegate their privates to another ‘up and coming’ bitch of a brand.

Has not the ‘age-old problems of itchy waistbands, uncomfortable fits, mediocre manufacturing, and products with a short life-span and no sex appeal’ already been resolved? Rhetorical - James Tudor already has. It is with no doubt pretentious for an ‘expanding’ (cheers to that, bitch), Asian brand to label their goods as key essential. Key essential is any ol’ Prada belt.

Side note: Uncle Tudor, if your Ad Researchers happen to stumble across this endearing commentary and decide to join The Force (oh Star Wars, how I’ve neglected you since I grew my first pube), I’d gladly receive a pair of those Sky Fall Front Briefs, hey.

“Kids ruin everything, I mean look at the stitching on this jacket” (Karen Walker, Will & Grace) – in this case, an overpriced pair of non-designer, boxer briefs.

So children, instead of buying a pair of Jac5’s, jack off instead! It’s free and probably won’t give you cancer.

But if you do have $40 to squander and have an aversion to looking like a republican, try a pair of these colorfully designed/colorful designer undies! They’re fab, they’re fresh, they’re barking mad.

**Terms and conditions: Wearer must be a mannequin. Just kidding. Jac5 is an actual brand featuring quirky and fashionable men’s luxury underwear, coming in a variety of neon colours, bone mosaic prints and bold waistbands. Anyone with an ounce of humour and creativity would recognize this blog post as a humourous elaboration of the brand's slogan - 'Luxury men’s underwear with a sense of humour'. If you're intelligent, buy a pair already. FREE INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING, GUYS. Jimmy A. Christopher, we’re still friends, right?


Canada is the place to be.

Currently listening to "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes [Feat. Adam Levine].

How To Be Good.

© Kris Kidd

Currently listening to "Somebody that I used to know" by Gotye [Feat. Kimbra].

Lions in Cages

Such a flurry of activity perhaps explains why it’s been a little while since I’ve posted anything worthwhile; it may as well be the lack of inspiration, motivation and discipline to sit down and write.

For me personally, the point in keeping an online journal is so that when I’m old and in need of nip-tuck, I can look back on this compendium of memories and reminisce.

Anyway, for future reference, at this point in time, it is my third week having been living alone in the city. I have hooked up with as many people as I can, and am enjoying freedom without responsibility. University is the least of my worries for the rest of the year.

All deviance aside, she was actually a saccharine Romanticist.

Currently listening to "Lions in Cages" by Wolf Gang.