My babies.

An epiphany: Marilyn Manson must be very skilled at intercourse if he can sustain 2 year relationships with both Rose Mcgowan and Dita Von Teese.

Annual Exing.

Christmas is upon us once again … unfortunately.

We are of the opinion that Christmas is completely superfluous to modern life. We all feed our gluttonous desires constantly anyway with endless unnecessary additions to our collections of … stuff. Agreed, sometimes it can feel festive to play good Samaritan and go to midnight mass waving those creepy decorated orange things around and letting religious men get way too close to your infant relatives. But the fire-hazard factor of fairy lights, the absurd amount of calories you are expected to consume in one sitting and the godforsaken racket of Christmas carols is enough to make you want to sedate yourselves for a 4 day period; from the 23rd of December to the 27th.

Do we really need the dreaded x once yearly?

The number of family arguments that could be averted if Christmas was not a regular feature on the calendar is phenomenal. If say, Christmas was every 3 or 5 years surely we would look forward to it much more? Indeed, different contingents of the family could bid for the hosting of the event, kind of like the Olympics or something. That way you could make sure you had an epic day with a point of difference, rather than the routine, ‘let’s just go here because they always do it and we’re kind of used to the dry turkey and lumpy gravy’.

The sporadic celebration of Christmas is definitely a concept we are considering imposing on our spawn, if we ever have any …

Pill popping, furniture shopping.

There is nothing more frustrating than a fruitless shopping trip.

Fabulous people, like ourselves, tend to distract from the general w-bees who browse item by item, store by store and street by street. We are impatient trendsetters with desperately important fashion agendas. We need instant gratification. If I catch a pair of Vintage 1461 Doc Martens on display, the US size 7's will be mine faster than 'one Mississipi'. But knowing my luck, there'd probably be some random frigid consumer hor with size 7 feet (and bad teeth) trying to steal them from their rightful owner - me.

Wardrobe wise: I get what I want, when I want. No 'coitus'-ing about.

There are a few things that can wreck a successful shopping trip.

_Smokers. My disdain (that borders on a hatred) of smokers has nothing to do with my desire for a nanny state or for social controls to stop smokers from smoking. I really don't give an eff if people wish to smoke and harm themselves, but the problem is that the smoke is in my face. I really don't want to develop lung cancer while releasing endorphins in the shape of hund dollar bills, you thoughtless piece of cancer.

_Screaming, biting children.

_Parents of these screaming, biting children. Next time you and your dropkick partner get busy in the bedroom, use a 'dom. Honestly. If I ever reproduce, my offspring will be like one of those Ralph Lauren child models, tamed and mysterious.

_People that carry their little ratdogs around. Not only is it w-bee, but brainless. For chrissakes, leave your merde-dropping dogs in a cage, at home, where they belong

_Bringing friends that don't share your taste in vogue. It's already enough work dodging the lower end, vanilla version of the Vivienne Westwood carrot pants, let alone trying to satisfy someone who's only fashion aspiration is to look like a black rapper.

One final tip - When you feel you may have gone overboard, have 5 plus bags from various different shops and are struggling to carry all your purchases think about the actual weight you’re carrying – this is toning your arms. The more you shop the less likely you are to have butter wings. Remember there is always a way to justify unnecessary and exorbitant purchases.

*** A note to the wise. You're not as original as you deem to be and you know it. The thing you call your blog is what I use to wipe my ass.


Yoko and Yoko. I mean, John and Yoko.

Without war, there would be no peace; nor would these delusional hippies exist.

This Is England

Skinheads, Doc Martens, Ben Sherman... Click here to view the trailer. There's a reason why it was 2007's Best British Film (British Academy Film Awards).

On an unrelated note. I've overlooked my sack of shrapnel and after taking some time from my busy, busy life to count up all the coins, it sums up to a bit more than $500. Fully intend to buy whatever I want.

Don't you hate it when people disregard your opinions, and just assume? It's like, "Hey, do you want a Nikon D5000 for your birthday?" Um... Let me think - no. "Well, too late, I already bought it". What's the point of asking then?!

Another thing that irritates me is when I'm asked to do a favour, except it's not really my choice because I'm forced to do it eventually.

I want slim purple Vans, brown leather boots, maybe a new pair of black leather dress shoes while I'm at it, at least a few new pairs of skinny's, some dress shirts, a woollen jumper AND THE NEXT ISSUE OF MAN ABOUT TOWN. I waited 6 months for the Autumn/Winter issue, and it was only 200 pages. It left me devastated and craving for more. It's terrible how they only issue their magazine biannually.